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Summary.
It can be hard to ask make “cold asks” early in our careers and relationships. But by applying the science of what makes relationships work, and combining it with the art of connecting, we can hopefully get what we need without seeming needy. This article covers four strategies to get the most out of the early days of a new relationship: 1) Apply the magic 5:1 ratio of healthy relationships. This means that for every negative feeling or interaction between people in a relationship, there must be five positive feelings or interactions. 2) Make requests, not demands. A demand is something to which the other person feels obligated to say yes, whereas a request is something to which the other person can say “yes”, “no”, or make a counter-offer. 3) Get curious about what “no” means so you can get to a yes. Ask questions about the reasons behind the “no”and then make a better ask next time. 4) Cultivate a positive affect. Who is more likely to give you their time, energy, attention, and resources: someone who is experiencing you as needy and negative, or someone who experiences you as upbeat and hopeful? It’s likely the latter.I was two years out of graduate school when I was offered my dream job. It had almost everything I wanted: work in a field I loved in a mission-driven organization, an impressive title, smart colleagues, global travel, professional development opportunities, and an easy commute from my home in New York City.